SANTA HELPS A GORILLA ESCAPE FROM ZOO

in early news santa and his two elf helpers hulky and boingo helped a deranged Gorilla escape from the zoo. the Gorilla is said to be very dangerous killing for now a total of 7 people with his explosive banana guns and lazer vision. if you spot this dirty monkey run and call for the cops.we just received the news that the gorillas name is be-funkle bung-whole.where-a-bouts of be-funkle bung-whole is unknown. If you have an anonymous tip of where be-funkle bung-whole is call 555-phuck-you.
now over to you nacy -

OK, i can't get to a phone to call the poe, so I'm sending out this message in hopes that someone out there will come to my aid. I've managed to trap the deranged monkey in a closet in my hallway. We lured him in their with dirty monkey magazines. He's rather quiet right now, as I believe he's either playing with himself or pooping, but I fear that when he gets tired of that he is going to break out and kill me!!!

While I have a spare second, I should also say that I have managed to capture the two deranged elves who started the whole mess. They are tied to a chair in my kitchen. I didn't have a rope, so I used all the shoestrings off all the shoes we had in the entire house. Before I started writing, I asked them why they did what they did and they explained that they were hoping to use the monkey to take down a rival cookie company. Turns out these weren't christmas elves, as I had first expected, but rather a breed of cookie-elf indigenous to the Northern United States and Canada. They had planned to illegally procure the ape in question, transfer it to the rival cookie factory via circus train, and then release it inside the facility during prime production hours. At some point, something went terribly wrong! I'm not sure if--- wait.

I hear something. The ape has lost interest in diddling himself. He's banging on the closet door! I CAN HEAR THE WOOD SPLINTERING. OH GOD HERE HE COMESHESRUNNINGRIGHTATMEA;SGLDKGHALDKSFHG'LAIGDSFOJ/FA/OIDRFJOFIBJHat>bADFGAWSREHGAERTEAWHW45UHEJN6TJM4RTEHW42H3ESRASEREWJTSJKW657MRSEANJHW423JU5W4I6KE57DTL,U6;F87RPO75EKDRYMSNEHA3JW5U46STRENSS